Today is one of my VBF's bdays. She's upset. I wonder why? Oh gawwd, either we are celebrating our proudness of being 40 or we're down that we're that "up." I don't know what to say about age. I guess age doesn't really bother me. I feel I still have time to reinvent my self. I know I haven't managed to do even half of what I intended to when I was younger or single. I didn't travel, or become something great. I don't have a house on a beach in California or have two dogs or marry some rich guy who is insanely in love with me. I am not slim or beautiful. Yet, I might say all of that with some type of remorse or even yearning but not really. I just realize that I can still do something. Sure, I didn't meet any of my personal time lines or goals but there's still time. There's still time to show at least to my kids I tried. And I still Still want to try so bad. I want to do so bad. I want to be, so badly. I understand that heartache when my friend says "I'm just not feeling it today."
I know I felt like that this past year's 39th bday. I wanted something different. Nothing happened that day or that month. But, what followed were revelations surmounting to my own personal changing almost overnight.
I will try harder. I have to try harder. I do have to do it for me. I also have to do it times three. I have three little ones that are following me. Either they think I'm a great mom or they think I'm mom or they think " I want to be like her." I need to know I tried for them as well. I can't continue giving up. My age doesn't dictate my ability or abilities.
So, while I see my hs friends and close friends plan the 40th bday, I'm planning the next couple of years for a change. I plan to reinvigorate and reinvent my life, my soul and my personal yearning. This 40th bday is not about age, it's about now becoming of age.
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